smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
