Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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