Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
