You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
