i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
