i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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