he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
