i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
