found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
