wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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