I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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