he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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