i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
