On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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