i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
