Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
home. puking in laundry basket.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
