with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
