I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
