We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize