She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
