A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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