Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
