I wish I could teleport
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
