No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize