I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
