dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
