the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
