Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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