is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize