I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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