He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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