So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
