Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
