She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
