Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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