if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
