Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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