Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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