She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
