Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Who died my cat blue again?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
