about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
