Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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