Capitaan dildo arrescate!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Holy shit dude........stairs
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