how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize