She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
