Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
