News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
