And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
