she woke up with a sticky ear
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
