Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
