your parents love me but you hate me
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
