Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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