Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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