you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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