well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
