sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize