If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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