how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
