the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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