Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
