somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize