Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my being single is dangerous.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
