if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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