i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
